A note from the Barrels

Barrels owner Chris Traczek: "Was perusing the final standings and my disappointment in what I thought would be a good season for the Creighton Barrels was intensified even more when I saw that the Barrels led the league in scoring but were unable to even qualify for the playoffs. Oh, Fantasy Football, you are a fickle mistress...

Thanks for another gre...well, I can't say "great"...how about "memorably frustrating" season, and "Good Luck" to all of the teams fortunate enough to make the playoffs."

Dah Commish responds: "Nineteen years of Finks League and always a mystery. How does my Cleopatra team receive garbage RBs and WRs after the auction, make close to a dozen transactions during the season and then end up with the league's best record? Shockingly, my opening day RBs were Helu, Redman, D. Brown and Starks. Yikes.

Luck (not named Andrew) plays a huge factor. My league-leading defense carried me this year, but how do I attribute my great defense to our Finks point system? It just seemed my opponents each week this season were too stunned by the beauty of Queen Cleopatra at middle linebacker to be able to score any consistent points against me."

Week 16: Semifinal previews

EYE OF NEWT (9-6) vs. ANTHONY MUNOZ AND CLEOPATRA (10-5)
At Wembley Stadium, London

This season: Newt 41, Cleopatra 40, week 1

Playoff records: Newt (Newton) 4-6, Cleopatra (Wilcox) 3-2

The skinny: Newt is the only team in this year's postseason that did not appear in last year's playoffs, but Newt makes its second appearance in three years... Wilcox finished third in last year's playoffs... This is the first time a Wilcox-owned team has won 10 games in back-to-back seasons. Wilcox's only other 10-win team was the 2003 Finger Bowl champion As You Hike It. ... Cleopatra's top scorers, QB Stafford DET and PK Hanson DET, have 162 Finks points each on the season and are on pace to top QB E. Manning NYG (186 pts in 2011) as the franchise's all-time individual scoring leader for a season.

Projected starters: Newt -- E. Manning, Rice, Moreno, Marshall, Cruz, Tynes. Cleopatra -- Stafford, Morris, Spiller, Shorts, Witten, Hanson.

The pick: Newt 35, Cleopatra 30.

HAM N EGGERS (9-6) vs. LOCKPORT DISTILLERS (9-6)
At Lockport High School, Lockport, Ill.

This season:  Eggers 59, Distillers 39, week 8

Playoff records: Eggers (Miazga) 2-5, Distillers (Cassidy) 2-0

The skinny: The defending Finger Bowl champion Distillers clinched a division title with a win in the last week of the regular season and won the head-to-head tiebreaker over Newt... The title gives owner Dan Cassidy back-to-back division titles in his second season... This semifinal is a rematch of last year's Finger Bowl title match, won by the Distillers 66-61. Cassidy is looking for back-to-back Finks titles, following owner Stan Goff's back-to-back titles from 2009-10. ... Longtime Finks owners Newton and Miazga are looking for their first Finger Bowl championship. They have been owners for a combined 26 years, 15 years for Miazga in two different stints.

Projected starters: Eggers -- P. Manning, Forte, Green-Ellis, Hernandez, Cobb, Janikowski. Distillers -- Luck, Turner, Ridley, Welker, Cal. Johnson, Gostkowski.

The pick: Distillers 48, Eggers 45

Search on for Khans owner

By Lyle Bel
Vogue Fantasy Football Writer

ULAN BATOR, Mongolia  -- After losing Sunday and missing the playoffs again since moving his fantasy football team to the Mongolian capital, angry fans have not been able to find owner D.J. Wanberg.

Sources state that Wanberg sought refuge in the United States Embassy, but diplomats pointed him out to local mobs. Actually, a 50-foot poster of a big red arrow was inserted through a space in the embassy fence and pointed right at Wanberg.

When asked at a press conference why the State Department would turn its back on Wanberg, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, "He's got a big mouth. He told the rest of the league before the season began to just give him the money then. Our diplomats don't have much to do there except work and Ghengis Khan film festivals, so they went overboard on betting. Part of the embassy is now a Denny's to pay off the debts.  I had to pay off Bill $50. That was unpleasant."
Additional sources state that Wanberg might be in hiding, preparing his team for the final week of the regular season and trying to finish with a winning record.

Reports list numerous Wanberg sightings including the Motel 6 in Pyongang, North Korea; near the frozen Coke machine at the 7-Eleven in Bensenville, Illinois and the Hertz Rent-A-Car desk at the Los Angeles International airport where between research for the season finale, he can get you a great deal on a car with satellite radio.

No video is available showing the hunt for D.J. Wanberg, but this scene from The Blue Brothers will give an indication of how Wanberg is trying to elude the mobs.

Week 15: The playoff picture

Congrats to the Eggers on capturing the second playoff berth out of the Lambert Division. The Eggers will play the at-large team out of the Nitschke Division, which is yet to be decided with four teams chasing playoff berths entering the final week of the regular season.

Cleopatra has already clinched the Lambert Division and awaits the Nitschke Division runner-up.

Newt has already clinched a playoff berth, but does not own the tiebreaker for the division title based on its two losses to defending champion Distillers earlier in the season.

Here's what to look for in Week 15 in the Nitschke Division:

• Newt clinches the division title with a win over the Brawlers. If Newt losses, Newt will clinch the division with a loss by the Distillers.
• The Distillers clinch the division with a win over Poodle and a loss by Newt. 
• The Barrels and Brawlers must both win to become playoff eligible and need a loss by the Distillers. 
• If Distillers lose and Barrels and Brawlers both win, they split during the regular season; so the tiebreaker comes down to points.

Week 14 update

From Barrels owner Chris Traczek: "The Creighton Barrels kept alive their tenuous playoff hopes with a critical 32-26 defeat of the Lockport Distillers in Finks League action this week. The Barrels entered Monday night's game with a 32-14 lead and somehow, with the Patriots scoring 42 points and the Distillers having three New England players in action, held on with Ridley and Gostkowski scoring 6 points apiece while Welker, who even added punt-return duties to his resume for the game, was shockingly blanked. The Barrels were paced by another incredible performance from Adrian Peterson, who had 19 points, 15 of which came in the opening quarter against the Bears. That was enough to offset a rare down performance from AJ Green (0 points) and 1 point from kicker Greg Zuerlein. The win means the Barrels will snag a playoff berth if they are able to knock off Hurricane Quags in Week 15 while the Distillers must also get upset by the Pink Poodle."

Birthday boy

Congrats to Distillers owner Dan Cassidy on his recent birthday.

Serkus' Stan Goff submitted these photos from their recent pub crawl at the Bolingbrook Promenade:

Week 9: Another tie

From Barrels owner Chris Traczek:

The Creighton Barrels and Ulan Bator Khans battled to a 43-43 tie in Finks League action this week.

 

The deciding play was Marques Colston's TD catch in Monday night's game, which allowed the Khans to escape with a draw. Both owners can lament a whole slew of "what-if's": If Dalton throws for one more yard, the Khans win; if Green has one more yard receiving yard, the Barrels win, and to make it worse, for a moment Green was over the 100-yard mark, but that play was called back by a penalty. If the Khans start Fitzgerald (who had a TD catch) instead of Gonzalez (who had 0 points) they win; if the Barrels start Steve Smith (who had a TD catch) instead of Julio Jones (who had 5 points), they win. So, I guess with all of that in mind, a tie is a fair outcome. Still doesn't do anything to soothe the Finks-induced ulcer, which prompted this quip from Khans owner D.J. Wanberg: "During football season, I buy my Pepto-Bismol at Costco in the five-gallon drum. It's only $1.13."